I’m sitting on the back bumper of my van, “Arc,” thinking about the past winter and where I am now. I must tell you, it was a winter of much needed healing. Little did I realize the toll the events of last year had on me. I did my best to stay positive minded to face the reality of homelessness and determined turn it into an adventure. However, it is extremely hard to wrap your mind around such an outcome after decades of keeping the wolf from the door. I had to ask myself if I was willing to go the extra mile as I had before or, am I just tired of the fight? By now you would think years and age would offer up more wisdom. HA!
It may be more truthful to say I opened the door and welcomed that vicious carnivore into my world. We all make choices, some good and others would rather be forgotten. It’s the forgotten choices that end up biting you in the ass just when you least expect them.
As I mentioned before, I spent the winter healing and being thankful for a wonderful friend of many years. When her unexpected invitation arrived I didn’t hesitate. I got back in Arc and headed to Washington. So, for three months we did nothing. Not a damn thing! It was glorious! Through her, my love of beadwork was rekindled and, after too much money being spent, I was back in the swing of life. There are no words for angels that show up exactly when you need them, especially when you don’t even know you do! I’m fortunate to have many such blessings.
So, today I find myself alone once more and in the middle of the wilderness, much too early for the lesser, cold fearing side of myself. But, here I am. I have found the silence of the mountains to be a perfect catalyst, my mind actually begins to work again! Imagine that! Then, when the sun decides to join in, miracles happen!
I hope all of you have a wonderful “safe place” you can trust and allow your mind to travel away into the realms you don’t physically go………..yet. I’ve always said if I were homeless, I’d head to the mountains. Little did I EVER know that would become my reality. Strange, how thankful I am for being here. I’ve been forced to go to the place my soul needs most. How lucky for me! Dare I even whisper it? Manifest destiny??
Now, before you go criticizing yourself for not being courageous enough to follow your soul’s desire, I must be honest, it wasn’t my idea. Nothing to brag about here. It has taken me over two years to accept my place today and it wasn’t romantic! For many years I suspected I was in the midst of depression, tho I didn’t have the luxury of spending time doting on it. Well, let me tell you, if you ignore it, it continues to spiral deeper into the abyss. If that sounds dramatic or like a cliché, sorry, but that is what happens. So, after too many years, I have faced my dragons one at a time and I am triumphing.
When I started writing to all of you, I promised to deliver the goods on the ups and the downs of this life’s new journey. So, this Scorpio woman, who never reveals her secrets, had to spend the winter working up the courage to be that honest. I’ve had discussions with some of you about my fears of telling the down side only to be met with your much appreciated honesty. It really isn’t a story if the truth isn’t told; there must be an arc. We’ve all read fairy tales and waited for the “happily-ever-after” to manifest. (Thank you Uncle Walt!) Truth is, happily-ever-after is unique and has to be determined by each one of us individually. Some of us ride into the sunset and live accordingly, others chose a different path. I’m the latter, as you have realized, no doubt.
Today has been a good day. The sun came out. I got to wash my hair. I got in trouble talking to an awesome high school girl at the library. (Yes, I am a rebel!) And, I’m writing, trying very hard to bare my soul.
I remember the first time I realized what an artist’s work does to the artist. Not something you think about, is it. I was in the middle of still life a drawing class when I realized I was exposing a part of me to total strangers. I have always been overly cautious of doing exactly that. My wonderful instructor chose that moment to step up from behind me, she asked what was going on. I had to look at her and tell her, “I’m not sure I’m ready to allow people to see this much of me.” She smiled and moved on. At the time, I didn’t realize the ramifications of my comment. Many years later, I wonder if just maybe her knowing smile revealed something of her own idiosyncrasies. I hope so. Each time I create work I am proud of, I think of her.
Well, the sun has passed behind the mountain and the temperature has dropped enough for me to climb into Arc and light the heater. I hope this finds each of you warm and cozy, right where you want to be. If not, please message me, no need to go through it alone. Been there, done that. Won’t go there again. 🙂
Until next time, dear Huckleberry Friend, keep the heart fires stoked.